Recently, I saw this question posted on a fellow’s profile on a dating site…”Is it reasonable to assume that if you have met someone for coffee a couple of times and seem to have a good connection, that they would take their profile off or at least stop being active on the site?”
Well, in a word, no.
And the word that’s causing the problem here, is the word “assume”
A lot of the complications in dating arise, very simply, from when we choose to make assumptions about how people should behave, instead of making an actual request.
There are lots of reasons people don’t take their profile off but it pretty much boils down to the fact that there has not been any agreement, or even conversation, about exclusivity. The point of dating is to meet people and find out more about others and yourself. That doesn’t assume any kind of exclusivity.
Here is the leap our thoughts often make: “Ouch! If you really liked me, you wouldn’t still be online talking to other people.” But without a conversation about exclusivity, there’s no reason to expect otherwise. There’s certainly no reason to take it personally….
Exclusivity comes about, when two people agree to exclusivity. Sounds simple, yes? But it means that a request has to be made by one of you, and we seem to be uncomfortable making these requests. The fear of rejection looms large….
But think how many problems could be avoided if we all could be straightforward and say, “Hey, we seem to have a connection and I would like to explore it further without distractions. What do you think about taking our profiles down from the dating site while we get to know one another better?”
If you haven’t made your wishes clear through a request, you are on pretty shaky ground when you complain when someone doesn’t comply with your wishes….
Finally, if you need some support in understanding how or when to make requests or any other language act, consider coaching. As a trained ontological coach, I can help you understand how using acts of speech correctly can transform relationships.