Category Archives: Dating

We all Have Dating “Baggage”

It’s amazing how many times people who we meet, especially when we are dating, want to assure us they have no baggage…and it’s absurd. We all have baggage. And it’s not a bad thing. What is important is how you deal with your baggage. Do you shove it under the bed and pretend it’s not there? Or are you ready to take a good hard look to see what your baggage is trying to tell you about what you might need to change?

Let me tell you how I learned to deal with my baggage.

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In my mid-forties, I found myself newly single and eager to move on to the next phase in my life. New house, new career, and maybe a new relationship.

It was a bit scary, but I looked forward to starting over in the dating world. What I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t going to get to date as a mature woman in her forties. I was going to have to pick up where I left off before I escaped into a nice safe marriage some 20 years earlier.

The young woman who was coming along for my early steps into the world of dating was very familiar. She didn’t know how to create boundaries. She avoided commitment. Yep, she was me at 27. I recognized her all right. What I didn’t know how to do was get rid of her.

One of my favorite quotes is by author Marianne Williamson, talking about how life is a series of growth opportunities. She says, if you don’t learn a lesson when it’s up for you, that’s not a problem. It will just sit there and wait for you til you are ready for the lesson. And that was me – I’d postponed some lessons for 20 years but there they were, just waiting for me to be ready for the journey.

It actually took me 3 long years of searching for answers before the lightbulb finally went off. And when it did, guess what happened to the 27 year old that had been hanging on? She faded back into the past, where she belonged.

If you are carrying some baggage from past relationships, that’s to be expected. We all do. As a coach, I can help you open those bags, and look inside for some key information. Once you understand the message inside that baggage, you will be able to approach new relationships in a healthier way.

Assumptions Vs. Requests – What’s Your Dating Language?

Recently, I saw this question posted on a fellow’s profile on a dating site…”Is it reasonable to assume that if you have met someone for coffee a couple of times and seem to have a good connection, that they would take their profile off or at least stop being active on the site?”

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Well, in a word, no.

And the word that’s causing the problem here, is the word “assume”

A lot of the complications in dating arise, very simply, from when we choose to make assumptions about how people should behave, instead of making an actual request.

There are lots of reasons people don’t take their profile off but it pretty much boils down to the fact that there has not been any agreement, or even conversation, about exclusivity. The point of dating is to meet people and find out more about others and yourself. That doesn’t assume any kind of exclusivity.

Here is the leap our thoughts often make: “Ouch! If you really liked me, you wouldn’t still be online talking to other people.” But without a conversation about exclusivity, there’s no reason to expect otherwise. There’s certainly no reason to take it personally….

Exclusivity comes about, when two people agree to exclusivity. Sounds simple, yes? But it means that a request has to be made by one of you, and we seem to be uncomfortable making these requests. The fear of rejection looms large….

But think how many problems could be avoided if we all could be straightforward and say, “Hey, we seem to have a connection and I would like to explore it further without distractions. What do you think about taking our profiles down from the dating site while we get to know one another better?”

If you haven’t made your wishes clear through a request, you are on pretty shaky ground when you complain when someone doesn’t comply with your wishes….

Finally, if you need some support in understanding how or when to make requests or any other language act, consider coaching. As a trained ontological coach, I can help you understand how using acts of speech correctly can transform relationships.